The day crept in and then passed me by. When I finally woke up near noon, it was a thirty-minute process just to push through the haze of medication. In front of the bathroom mirror, with face soaked and sink draining, I stared at myself.
“Blegh.” I scrunched my nose and stuck out my tongue. Even after a lifetime in my skin, I didn’t like seeing my own face. Everything about it looked wrong to me, no matter what anyone else said.
I dried my face and then tried to convince myself I wasn’t rushing to check my phone. There was no text from Rabbit. My chest tightened. It shouldn’t matter; they already sent me the important information. The morning routine, free of schedule, lingered over the pauses between bedroom and kitchen.
The coffee pot gave me an excuse to lean over the counter and watch my phone. When I first got here, the drip machine didn’t work at all. It had taken over an hour of scrubbing and poking to get it in operable condition. It still took forever to brew, but the coffee it made was passable. As the pot began to sigh and pop, my phone buzzed against the faux marble. Instantly, I picked up the device, telling myself it’d just be something to ignore. The green banner on the lock screen was labeled ‘Rabbit’.
Hey! You ready for tonight? [Rabbit 12:23 pm]
fuck yeah! [Me 12:23 pm]
It’s gonna be wild. [Rabbit 12:25 pm]
yeah? [Me 12:25 pm]
Monarch takes pride in trying to achieve true anarchy with these events. [Rabbit 12:51 pm]
Monarch? [Me 12:52 pm]
They’re the organizer. [Rabbit 1:03 pm]
Though, seriously, things can get intense. [Rabbit 1:03 pm]
should i be actually concerned [Me 1:05 pm]
?? [Me 1:05 pm]
I carried my mug and phone around the apartment as I busied myself with laundry. It was about all I could do with the limited focus I had. My supply of clean garments had started dwindling a week ago.
From the dryer, the laundry was sorted into two piles. The first pile, barely contained in my suitcase, was for casual work clothes. The second pile, laid neatly out on the bed, was options for the night.
This type of rave was an increasingly rare opportunity that demanded more than ‘good enough’. My favorite pieces were now contending for the spotlight. I needed to stand out as stylish.
Among the options were some simple yet bold pieces that had never been worn in public. I adored how I looked in them, even if they only reminded me of the shapes that disappointed me. Yet I still lacked the courage to wear them into a crowd. There was something authentic about the way I felt in them. I almost convinced myself to wear such an outfit out, telling myself this was a place where I should be bold. Yet my gut just wouldn’t let me be comfortable with the idea of making myself so vulnerable.
Eventually, I settled on a fit I’d call cool and safe. A night-out fit that had proven sleek, comfortable, and (importantly) durable. The shirt was blocky; it’d hang loose and hint at just enough of the figure I worked so hard to maintain. Yet it’d stay breathable, and it’d take a substantial amount of sweat before it became uncomfortable. It never sat quite centered along my shoulders, but I acted as if it were a style choice. Pants were a pair of dark jeans I had bought, battered and torn, with splotches of paint along them. The pants were an urban-inspired fashion piece I had spent too much money on.
I considered a few pieces of jewelry, but if it would get as hectic as Rabbit hinted, it’d all just be a liability. That left the shoes. I had used one of my allotted pieces of luggage just to bring my favorite shoes from my collection. A variety of patterns, styles, and colors to match the moving target of my daily style.
As I dug through the suitcase of shoes, I sorted through sneakers, boots, and dress shoes, but mostly sneakers. What I didn’t expect to find was an old pair of black pointe shoes. I can distinctly remember tilting my head to the side, holding the pair above the jumbled pile, and asking myself, “What?”
I thought all my pointe shoes had been shoved in a tub with my other ballet stuff and buried in the back of a closet. They must have been floating around and ended up knocked in with my shoes. That’s what I thought at the time. Now I’m less sure.
The pointe shoes were shoved back into the pile, and I settled on some chunky sneakers that’d serve as the splash of color to my otherwise dark palette.
My phone finally buzzed again.
Haha. Of course not. [Rabbit 3:04 pm]
Mostly. 😛 [Rabbit 3:04 pm]
mostly? Im sure ive been through weirder [Me 3:04 pm]
At the time, I was confident this single evening wasn’t going to top some of the wilder nights I had. Prior to my current job, I had a storied history of partying that verged on the risk-seeking. I almost missed it — most days (even the good ones) were just so boring.
Really? Well, we’ll see if that’s true come tomorrow morning. [Rabbit 3:06 pm]
Morning? How long does the rave run? [Me 3:07 pm]
Till everyone leaves, which is usually about dawn. [Rabbit 3:08 pm]
don’t want to give up early ill need a ton more caffeine [Me 3:10 pm]
I think you’ll be okay 😉 [Rabbit 3:15 pm]
lol thanks for the vote of confidence [Me 3:16 pm]
any less-cryptic advice you got 😛 [Me 3:16 pm]
Be prepared for it to be crowded. [Rabbit 3:18 pm]
can do! how much should i bring to get in?? [Me 3:19 pm]
Tell them you’re invited. [Rabbit 3:20 pm]
really? thanks ;* [Me 3:21 pm]
What time should I show up anyways [Me 3:24 pm]
?? [Me 3:25 pm]
When Rabbit didn’t get back to me after a few minutes, I started through the shower. I was getting tired of the clock moving slowly.
As is often the case, I lost track of time in the shower. My mind escaped the confines of the steamy landlord-special-white room. The warm water was comforting, letting my body feel secure as my mind dived after one thought, then the other. I can’t remember most of them. I’ve always felt more comfortable around running water, probably why I tried to trust it with my life a few times.
After the shower, I examined my face through the layer of moisture left on the mirror. A discomfort roiled just below my gut, making my hips and knees ache. Nothing had changed; I was still unhappy with my face. The repulsion had certainly been worse. “Gelgh,” I gargled in my throat. I debated putting on makeup. It had been almost a year since I put any on and longer than that since I was happy with the result. “What’s the point? It’ll just get gross with sweat,” I explained to my reflection. My reflection nodded in understanding.
I finished getting ready and shot Rabbit one last text.
im headed out! tonight is going to be awesome [Me 9:13 pm]
At the time, I believed myself.
Chloe Williams 